I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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