So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Are my feet made of real feet?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
