i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
