You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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