I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize