She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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