She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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