Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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