Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
