I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
