just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize