Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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