How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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