I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
