when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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