Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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