Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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