I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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