Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize