Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
