He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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