just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
