If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Two words: blizzard sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
