my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Randomize
