Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
