Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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