STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my being single is dangerous.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
