I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
