if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
