I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
