laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
