Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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