she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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