Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
