This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
