Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
