Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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