I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
