is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
