i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
