How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
