you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
