A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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