Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
