I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I party with great urgency now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
