I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
