woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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