Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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