I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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