i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
a search helicopter?!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
