unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize