dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
