Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
