i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Floor bacon is actually really good
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
