Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
