i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
