I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize