I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
