I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
