I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
