Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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