In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
